My name is Karina and I am recovering from the use of Marxist Pants. Don’t let anyone try to convince you that Marxist Pants are an innocent fashion trend. This is what I naively believed and, as you will see, this had disastrous consequences for my life.
My metamorphosis from a young god-fearing Real American to a Communist revolutionary began in Junior High. My friends had all started wearing Marxist Pants and, being a typical young girl, I wanted to fit in by wearing them too. Since a young age, I have been an extremely social person and being “part of the group” has always been important to me. During Junior High, I was lucky enough to be saved from the scourge of Marxist Pants. I did not have enough money to purchase a pair of these jeans myself and my good country-loving parents refused to buy them for me. Although I did not know it at the time, this was a blessing. All throughout Junior High I naively dreamed of wearing Marxist Pants. Everyone had them, it seemed. To further entice my desires for Marxist Pants, I constantly saw celebrities and musicians strutting around in these socialistic denim jeans. The holes and rips in the denim just seemed so cool.
Before being transformed by Marxist Pants, I used to read Milton Friedman and pray every night
With all the pressures from the liberal media and my friends, it is no surprise that I eventually succumbed to the seduction of Marxist Pants. During Junior High, I had been unknowingly saved by these abominable pants because of my economic status, but as soon as I had saved two hundred dollars, I immediately purchased my first pair. The transformation from a god-fearing Real American to a Marxist revolutionary occurred gradually. Although I had heard about the dangers of these types of pants, I assumed that these reports were exaggerated or false. The fact that I could not notice any immediate change in my personality or political beliefs seemed to confirm these suspicions. Looking back, I can see how foolish this was. As a young uneducated girl, I couldn’t believe that something as simple as a pair of pants could radically transform my entire life.
Gradually, my views on the United States of American began to change. During the beginning of High School, I knew, as Glenn Beck’s “9 Principles” state, that America is good. By the end of High School, I had begun watching MSNBC, even though I knew that people who love America watch Fox News. By the time I had graduated, I had put down my Bible and picked up books by vile authors such as Fredrick Nietzsche, John K. Galbraith, and even James Joyce. This lead to inevitable consequences; it wasn’t long until I began to worship Satan and watch documentaries made by Michael Moore.
Others noticed the changes in my personality and beliefs before I did. Numerous friends confronted me about my behavior, but I had become arrogant and stubborn. All of their concerns were brushed aside as I sank deeper and deeper into Marxism. Now I didn’t just have one pair of Marxist Pants, I had hundreds. I no longer believed that “America is good” like a Real American, but instead believed that it was “foolish” to express any moral evaluation of the United States in three just words. The dreams I used to have of becoming a servile housewife had vanished and were replaced by unnatural career ambitions like becoming a lawyer. As soon as I turned eighteen, I even registered as a Democrat. Worst of all, I did not just dislike American capitalism, but had become convinced of the need to overthrow it entirely.
Within four years, I had gone from being a humble Christian capitalist to a godless Communist feminist – all because of Marxist Pants!
I would have never recovered from Marxist Pants if it were not for the good people at Citizens United For Democracy (CUFD). One night, after having disguised myself as a man and trying to seduce unsuspecting heterosexual women at a local bar, I was walking back to my dilapidated apartment alone (sadly, my disguise was not convincing enough) when suddenly, a potato bag was thrown over my head and I was pushed into a moving vehicle. I thought I knew what was happening. I had long suspected that sooner or later my Un-American Communist conspiracies would attract the attention of the moral and dignified agents of the Central Intelligence Agency, who would then proceed to kidnap me and send me to their global gulag for “enhanced” interrogation. Fortunately, it was not the CIA that had kidnapped me. It was CUFD on a Freedom Raid. CUFD drove me to their re-education camp in their American-made van. (I still do not know the location of this re-education center. The potato bag over my head prevented me from seeing where I was headed and after I had recovered I was flown back to my apartment blindfolded in a helicopter. Its location remains a closely guarded secret.)
At this camp, I was not allowed to wear Marxist Pants, say “Marxist Pants”, or even look at Marxist Pants. These seductive socialist pants had to be completely purged from my mind. If they had not been, full recovery would have never been possible. Although I could have lived a normal life for awhile, the image of Marxist Pants lingering in my mind would no doubt have caused a number of potentially dangerous relapses into Marxism. As part of my re-education, I also had to participate in beauty pageants. At first, I loathed these events, but after my Marxist indoctrination wore off, I soon learned to love the Truth: being oogled at is part of being a woman, it is one of our essential functions. A woman that isn’t appeasing to the eyes of a man is no woman at all.
I cannot recount the myriad of techniques that Citizens United For Democracy used. What is important is that they all had the same essential function: to return one to the Truth by eradicating the layers of pathological falsehoods which hid it. The true self of every man, woman, and child in every country of the world is American, but this true self is disguised and hidden beneath layers of masks and falsehoods. The American Way of Life is universal because being American is universal. As Thomas Paine says in the Introduction to Common Sense, “The cause of America is in a great measure the cause of all mankind.” Being UnAmerican does not mean “not being American,” since this is impossible, rather it denotes something or someone which has hidden the reality of the American Way of Life. No matter what, the American Way of Life is the foundation of reality and being American is the foundation of humanity, but UnAmerican things create an edifice on top of this Truth which hides or distorts it. Marxist Pants work in exactly this way. They disguise the Truth, making it inaccessible. The Truth can only become accessible again once Marxist Pants have been purged.
