On September 4th, 2009, the Telegraph reported that, “A teenage girl agreed to have under-age sex because she wanted to lose her virginity before the Large Hadron Collider caused the end of the world.” After extensive research into the European Organization for Nuclear Research (CERN), the purpose of the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) has become clear: these socialist scientists in Europe are perverting the world’s youth with their particle accelerators. The LHC’s real purpose is to abolish virginity from the face of the planet!
The rumors about the Large Hadron Collider destroying the world began in March of 2008, thanks to Walter F. Wagner and Luis Sancho. As Fox News reported, “Walter F. Wagner and his colleague Luis Sancho have filed a federal lawsuit seeking to stop work on the Large Hadron Collider, a gigantic atom smasher on the Franco-Swiss border that’s set to start operations in May [...] The plaintiffs’ concerns? That the LHC could accidentally create strange new particles that would instantly transform any matter they touched, engulfing the Earth, or, even worse, make a rapidly expanding black hole that could consume the entire planet.”
Thanks to the efforts of other physicists from around the world, most of the claims made by Walter F. Wagner and Luis Sancho have been dispelled, but most of the public is unaware of what is really going on. Walter F. Wagner and Luis Sancho are not, in reality, critics of the Large Hadron Collider and CERN, but in fact, are part of their grand scheme. The elite of the European socialist scientists wanted that information to be spread amongst the population to create a sense of imminent doom for all of mankind. They, being brilliant scientists, knew exactly what effect this sort of scare would have on people.
Take, for example, the name “Large Hadron Collider.” Apparently, a hadron is a type of particle, but why is a hadron called a “hadron?” The name “hadron” has nothing to do with physics, regardless of what the elitist liberal physicists say. It has everything to do with psychology. The name “hadron” was coined because of its close resemblance to the word “hardon.” For those of you that do not know, a “hardon” is slang for an erect penis. Thus, the term “Large Hadron Collider” makes it almost impossible for a person not to unconsciously become preoccupied with thoughts of sex. The phrase “Large Hadron Collider” inevitably leaves the reader or hearer with colorful impressions of perverted sexual actions, regardless of how austere they may be. Furthermore, social psychologists have found that as a person’s perception of their future becomes shorter, they become more likely to engage in risk-taking behaviors such as sex. The combination of fears about the end of the world and this preoccupation with sex is clearly a recipe for the abolishment of virginity.
To the layman, this all may seem quite absurd, but the truth speaks for itself. No one can deny that the scientists and engineers who constructed the Large Hadron Collider are Europeans, and thus necessarily must also be atheists. Furthermore, we all know that atheism inevitably leads to socialism (and that socialism inevitably leads to atheism) so it is quite simple to deduce that these scientists are, in fact, atheistic socialists.
The ill informed, at this point, may still wonder why atheistic socialist scientists in Europe want to abolish virginity, but the reason is obvious. Everyone knows that atheists and socialists, and especially atheistic socialists, support gay marriage and, continuing this line of reasoning, everyone knows that gay marriage has absolutely nothing to do with equal rights, but is merely a way of destroying the institution of marriage itself. It would appear that these European scientists are not content with the progress being made by the gay agenda and thus have created the Large Hadron Collider as another prong in their war against traditional American values.
